It’s been 10 days since I starting losing our second baby. I felt like I never wanted to make love again, despite being closer than ever to my partner, and whilst it’s not something I’d usually talk about so openly I thought I’d let you know that it’s OK.
I’ve written about our loss but I haven’t published it yet, if I ever will. It came completely out of the blue, as it does in most cases I expect, and whilst I had my fears you have to push yourself up on to that pedestal, you have to think ‘it won’t happen to me, I’m exempt’ if you’re going to enjoy any moment of your pregnancy really. I’d done that (whilst secretly airing my fears to friends and family) but before I knew it I’d become a member of the club none of us ever want to join.
I’m lucky in the respect that my body did what it was supposed to and everything was natural. It’s been less than a week since I finished bleeding so the whole thing is still pretty fresh in my mind. Perhaps it was too soon in your opinion but I feel like it was right for us.
He’d asked a day or so ago and I said I wasn’t ready. When I was thinking about anything even remotely related to ‘down there’ I could almost relive the feeling of miscarrying. It’s not somewhere I associated with pleasure anymore and I wanted to forget about it all together.
What changed overnight? Well I don’t know but today I felt OK. Maybe it’s because today is the Valentine’s Day. I don’t mean that I felt obligated or anything like that but there’s love in the air and I must’ve got caught up in its whirlwind.
I’m not suggesting you do what I’ve done but I changed our entire house around this week. Our bedroom is not the same room, our bed is not in the same place, the change of location was therapeutic and necessary. The last time we had sex I lost our baby a couple of hours later. The same day. I almost feel as though it caused our loss but I know that’s ridiculous. To start afresh in a different setting made things easier but I know it’s not an option for everyone and even a little on the drastic side but it worked for us.
His attitude was instrumental too. I don’t want to go in to detail but being soft, caring, asking how I’m feeling, those sorts of things made it easier. I’ve found the emotional closeness that comes with sex to be healing within itself.
The experience was better than I expected it to be. I remember reading something somewhere that said ‘you’ll cry the first time afterwards and it’ll all come flooding back‘ but I just tried not to think about it and be in the moment rather than letting my mind wander back. If I had of cried it wouldn’t have mattered. It’s natural, it’s a process, it’s grieving.
I guess I just wanted anybody who ever found this, who was worried or nervous, to know that it’s OK to try if you want to and you feel ready, it’s OK to enjoy sex again and your body will feel less like a judas, some of us earlier than others.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sat here thinking about the fact that it’s the act of making children and that we did spark life, I was carrying our baby. I am holding back the tears but it’s just another day. I will always be sad, I will always remember, the finality of miscarriage is heart-wrenching, there is no cure, nothing that can heal the pain, only the passing of time to provide a comforting numbness.
It’s been 10 days and that hardly feels long enough at all but we’re together and we’re getting through this.