7.00am — Press snooze because, oddly enough, iPhone’s alarm has gone off before usual toddler alarm (impatient shrieks of ‘MUMMY’ over and over until I reluctantly drag saggy bum out of bed). Know this is NOT a good idea but f**k it, I’ll have my 9 minutes of extra shut-eye because SOMEBODY kept me up for an hour last night shouting nonsense about her nose running but refusing to accept my kind offers of help and tissues. Toddler problems, eh?
7.18am — Must have pressed snooze button another couple of times. Oops! Toddler is up and shouting so I’d better get on with it. Turns out last night’s antics were just a taster of what’s to come! Spend 15 minutes trying to convince toddler to leave her room. Threaten ambulance when she says she can’t get out of bed and flops her arms and legs around like a rag doll. Thank god, it worked and she’s dramatically throwing herself over the threshold of the door. Give comforting hug to toddler for finding strength to leave bed (I hear you kiddo!) whilst worrying about the fact we were already running late to begin with.
7.35am — Breakfast battle commences. Toddler wants multigrain boulders so I happily oblige before said boulders are returned with complaints of being ‘too milky’. Go to drain milk but it’s too late, now she wants toast without ‘stinky butter’. Turn to get bread to comply with demands but she is now bellowing that she wants chocolate porridge instead. Decide to make cup of tea whilst toddler sorts her shit out and makes her mind up. Turn around to see her mindlessly shovelling boulders into her mouth whilst being brainwashed by Peter Rabbit and his little woodland friends — #winning.
7.46am — Toddler won’t drink juice because it is in wrong colour beaker. She wants red. Can’t find red (where the HELL has that gone?) so offer every other beaker on the colour spectrum. Nope, not acceptable. Know from previous experience that pleading with her won’t help so just say ‘fine’ and move on. Nursery will make sure she drinks anyway, right? After trying again 10 minutes later, give in and end up offering her drink from own glass instead. Happily accepted. Confused as my cup isn’t red. Toddler logic is weird.
8.00am — Getting toddler dressed was fairly easy although didn’t meet expectations when it came to hair-dressing skills. Toddler wanted ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, EIGHT pearly-tails’ today. Didn’t have eight bobbles so just did pigtails whilst she moved her head constantly. Am told we need to buy more bobbles to meet extravagant hairstyle needs. Nod enthusiastically as we are SO frigging late!
8.05am — Can’t find deodorant. Use boyfriend’s roll on and hope he doesn’t notice. Smells gorgeous. Miss him. Send him lovey dovey WhatsApp. Get nice reply. Feel better about lateness and unwashed hair.
8.20am — Pack nursery bag. Annoyed at self as know I should’ve done it the night before. Cobble together random outfits from clean washing pile that would put Mr. Tumble to shame. Oh well.
8.45am — See bus driving away as we approach bus stop. Know we wouldn’t have missed it had we not stopped twenty times to ‘look at the pretty leaves’ but quickly decide it made her happy to feed her toys greenery so it’s not a big deal. Waiting in the freezing cold for another 20 minutes is ABSOLUTELY FINE. Note to self: must leave earlier to allow adequate time for leaf inspections.
8.55am — Next bus was early, hurrah! Toddler is feeling cuddly and wants to sit on my knee whilst we draw shapes with the condensation on the windows. Hugely enjoy snuggles and briefly consider taking her out of nursery to run through fields and play with bunny rabbits. Remember inbox is overflowing and decide to proceed with original plan.
9.00am —Make it to nursery on time with seconds to spare. Wave as toddler goes and sits down happily for circle time and wonder how the hell people do this 5 x days a week!
9.10am — Get back on bus and make decent effort not to fall asleep. Feel lonely and like right arm has been cut off. Play sad music through headphones and wallow in own self-pity. See reflection in dirty bus window and realise what a pathetic state I am in. Let out small giggle scaring other bus-goers and count down the hours until I can go and retrieve lovely toddler again.