O v e r w h e l m.
Tell me, if you’re reading this, does that word resonate with you?
I’ll be a better mother tomorrow. I won’t raise my voice. I’ll play with her for longer. I’ll make her smile more. I’ll cook better meals and we’ll eat every meal at the dining table without any TV. I won’t be snappy. I won’t waste another day not being enough.
I dream of what it would be like to just put my laptop down and never open it again. To walk away — from blogging, from the internet, from constant work. To turn my phone off. To switch OFF. Truly and completely. There is so much more to me than this.
I wish my house was clean and tidy so we could sit down and play and I could relax without the chores niggling away in the back of my mind.
I wish I could put my girly to bed in the evenings and just sit and watch TV or do something for myself — some baking, a hot bubble bath, some crafts or artwork, read a bloody book — or something along those lines. Time to catch up, to refresh, to ‘fill my cup’ before pouring from it again in the morning when she wakes up.
I feel like I’m the empty shell of a stay-at-home mum. I wish I could be a stay-at-home mum, not a stay-at-home mum who works as well. I’m not saying it’s easy, please don’t think that I am, I know it’s bloody hard. It’s just that where you’re fully dedicated to your children, I’m distracted. Where you catch a breath and a warm cuppa during naptime or try and do some housework I often sit down and wonder where the f**k to begin.
(a) Have an (overdue) shower and make myself look mildly presentable?
(b) Open my laptop and try and plough through some work so I can go to bed before 1am later?
(c) Have a go at getting rid of the mess I’m surrounded by?
(d) Try and catch up on some sleep myself so I stop feeling sick and exhausted?
ALL four options are immediate needs.
Being a stay-at-home mum is hard enough you know? The majority of the childcare and the housework and the errands to run are on my shoulders and yes, throw me a pity party, I’ve got to work about 4 hours a day (at least) on top of that when my little girl goes to bed.
I’ve realised that my life takes a two-prong approach. Despite my best efforts, I am really only dedicated to two things. (1) Lily, my daughter, because she is my everything and I need to be everything to her and (2) my work because it pays for our food, petrol and everything else we need throughout the month.
The pressure is *immense*. I forget birthdays or to send cards or to post packages to people of things that I sold at least a good three weeks ago. I forget appointments, to submit my accounts, to ring my family members.
I neglect my relationship because works comes first, because we can’t afford for it to come second.
The thing about blogging is, you have to do stuff that isn’t classed as ‘work’ to get work. I have to write posts that aren’t sponsored, I have to try and keep you updated via social media on a daily basis, I have to build a sense of community around my brand.
There has to be something underneath that’s worth its salt without the PR campaigns and the #ad hashtags.
But there’s only so many hours in a day and I have to prioritise with the paid work. I always wonder what it must be like to be a ‘real’ blogger who sticks to a posting schedule and doesn’t abandon everything for days at a time because she’s behind with her freelance stuff or because she has burnt out entirely.
I can’t keep up. I can’t catch a break. I’m lonely. I’m so f**king tired. I feel like I’m swimming against the tide, trying and failing in every aspect of my life, not quite reaching the mark.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to fit everything into a 24hr period. I don’t know how to find a balance, how to realign this, how to fix this.
I keep sitting down to ‘organise my life’ with another new diary or planner or magical method that’s going to make everything better and more sensical.
Mother and blogger. Mother/blogger. Mummy blogger. Mummy. Blogger. How can I be so utterly defined by those two words — separate or apart? Do I have anything else to give?